My adorable son, a toddler of 15 months sat propped on my hip. I dressed him in his cutest little construction boots, brown corduroy pants and a sweater vest to warm his back and chest. When they found him, I wanted him to look like the little angel he was. The little angel I was going to kill, along with my own life.Postpartum depression was getting the better side of me. Divorce from my husband wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it. I was too scared of what the results could be. Scared to death that my child would be taken from me. Scared to death of life being hell on earth if I would leave my husband. I was tired of taking care of everyone else but myself. I made every excuse in the world to justify my sad and very sick mind. To me it all made sense. End it and you wouldn't hurt anymore. No one would ever hurt my boy if I took him with me in death.
All those thoughts burst in my head as I walked to the garage where my husband stored a van he was repairing. All I had to do was put my baby in his car seat and he and I could die, not alone, together. It would just take turning the ignition switch, start the van and cry myself to sleep as I would allow asphyxiation to choke us into the grave. My baby would never know the difference and my sadness would be gone. Forever.
D.j. was the picture perfect little boy. He has my eyes and his daddy's smile. He was his sister's best friend. This little man was adored by many. Yet, I struggled with him. He struggled with colic. He cried constantly. I wondered if he also cried because I did. I was being lead by the hand by Satan to rip away the life this little guy that he hadn't even lived yet.
As we walked across the cold driveway, I looked into his eyes. What big beautiful brown eyes he had. He just looked at me and grinned. When I could no longer focus on him through the tears in my eyes, I walked determined that what I was going to do would keep him from harm. Keep him from.....everyone.
I put my hand on the door knob of the garage door and froze. I couldn't move. I couldn't turn back and I couldn't go forward. I wanted to get in that door and get things over with. I stopped and fell to the ground. I sat and cried. I felt the Holy Spirit move within me. This enormous amount of love overcame every feeling caused by depression. And in that moment, I could feel God hold me as I held onto my little boy.
“I am so sorry God. Help me!” I cried out. “Help me, I whispered.” God guided me in his arms as I got up from the hard cold ground and gently walked back into my home. I sat slowly in the recliner holding my sweet innocent child against my chest. Tears dampened the top of his head. We rocked and rocked and fell asleep in the peacefulness of the presence of the Lord.
Not everyday was easy after that. But I knew then that I could rely on God to pull me through the depression that consumed me. The Holy Spirit is constant. He is available for me and for you, to help us out of what feels like the bottomless pits of life. He is here for us every minute of every hour of every day.
My son is now twelve. When I look in his eyes, like I did on that day that life was almost stripped from him, I see life. I see a blessing that God gave to me. I see joy. What a gift to feel love. God is gracious. He is giving and He is waiting for all of us to deeply know and accept His love gift.
Proverbs 12:28 New American Standard
In the way of righteousness is life, And in its pathway there is no death.
Can we pray?
Heavenly Father, Let us see Your faithfulness even when we are unfaithful to You. When circumstances surround us with pain, Lord, I ask for peace and for heart healing. Thank You God for letting us come to You, to trust and know that you will bring us through it all. Help all those who feel suicidal. Guide them so that they may receive the help that they need. Protect them, Father and let them feel Your love. Provide all their needs, Lord and ease the pain they feel. Give them hope in You and hope in healing. Bless each one Your treasured children.
In the precious name of Jesus, Amen
(Please see information after this song. )
(Please see information after this song. )
If You are Suicidal...
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger
because of thoughts of suicide
Please call 911 now
There is help for you. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive. Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you. Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.
If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines: