Giving Into Life

 My adorable son, a toddler of 15 months sat propped on my hip. I dressed him in his cutest little construction boots, brown corduroy pants and a sweater vest to warm his back and chest. When they found him, I wanted him to look like the little angel he was. The little angel I was going to kill, along with my own life.

Postpartum depression was getting the better side of me. Divorce from my husband wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it. I was too scared of what the results could be. Scared to death that my child would be taken from me. Scared to death of life being hell on earth if I would leave my husband. I was tired of taking care of everyone else but myself. I made every excuse in the world to justify my sad and very sick mind. To me it all made sense. End it and you wouldn't hurt anymore. No one would ever hurt my boy if I took him with me in death.

All those thoughts burst in my head as I walked to the garage where my husband stored a van he was repairing. All I had to do was put my baby in his car seat and he and I could die, not alone, together. It would just take turning the ignition switch, start the van and cry myself to sleep as I would allow asphyxiation to choke us into the grave. My baby would never know the difference and my sadness would be gone. Forever.

D.j. was the picture perfect little boy. He has my eyes and his daddy's smile. He was his sister's best friend. This little man was adored by many. Yet, I struggled with him. He struggled with colic. He cried constantly. I wondered if he also cried because I did. I was being lead by the hand by Satan to rip away the life this little guy that he hadn't even lived yet.

As we walked across the cold driveway, I looked into his eyes. What big beautiful brown eyes he had. He just looked at me and grinned. When I could no longer focus on him through the tears in my eyes, I walked determined that what I was going to do would keep him from harm. Keep him from.....everyone.

I put my hand on the door knob of the garage door and froze. I couldn't move. I couldn't turn back and I couldn't go forward. I wanted to get in that door and get things over with. I stopped and fell to the ground. I sat and cried. I felt the Holy Spirit move within me. This enormous amount of love overcame every feeling caused by depression. And in that moment, I could feel God hold me as I held onto my little boy.

“I am so sorry God. Help me!” I cried out. “Help me, I whispered.” God guided me in his arms as I got up from the hard cold ground and gently walked back into my home. I sat slowly in the recliner holding my sweet innocent child against my chest. Tears dampened the top of his head. We rocked and rocked and fell asleep in the peacefulness of the presence of the Lord.

Not everyday was easy after that. But I knew then that I could rely on God to pull me through the depression that consumed me. The Holy Spirit is constant. He is available for me and for you, to help us out of what feels like the bottomless pits of life. He is here for us every minute of every hour of every day.

My son is now twelve. When I look in his eyes, like I did on that day that life was almost stripped from him, I see life. I see a blessing that God gave to me. I see joy. What a gift to feel love. God is gracious. He is giving and He is waiting for all of us to deeply know and accept His  love gift.

Proverbs 12:28 New American Standard 

In the way of righteousness is life, And in its pathway there is no death.

Can we pray?

Heavenly Father, Let us see Your faithfulness even when we are unfaithful to You. When circumstances surround us with pain, Lord, I ask for peace and for heart healing. Thank You God for letting us come to You, to trust and know that you will bring us through it all. Help all those who feel suicidal. Guide them so that they may receive the help that they need. Protect them, Father and let them feel Your love. Provide all their needs, Lord and ease the pain they feel. Give them hope in You and hope in healing. Bless each one Your treasured children.

In the precious name of Jesus, Amen

(Please see information after this song. )

If You are Suicidal...

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If you or someone you know is in immediate danger
because of thoughts of suicide

Please call 911 now

There is help for you. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive. Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you. Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.

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If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines:

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

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 Guest blogger Mary Edwards is a speaker and writer. Her own experiences lead her to focus her speaking and writing on child sexual abuse education, prevention and healing. She founded Be A Voice 4 kids in the spring of 2014. She is a 2013 graduate of Christian Communicators. Mary is a facilitator for Stewards of Children training through Darkness to Light. Visit Mary at www.writeblessings.com or email her at  wordsbyLOU@yahoo.com.

Broken, But Still Usable

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (2 Corenthians 5:17, NKJV)

"God can no longer use me. What I've done is just too horrible for Him to be able to ever use me again." Those were the heartbreaking words my friend heard while ministering to another friend. This lady had the picture in her mind that her sin, her mistake was just too much for God to be able to forgive. My friend reminded her of a crayon. Just because the crayon was broken into little pieces, it still colored the most beautiful picture. It could still be used. Ladies, that's true for us as well. It doesn't matter what you've done, God can still use you. You may have had an abortion. You may have had an affair. It doesn't matter. When you ask His forgiveness, you can still be used by Him. You may be broken, but, you're still usable.

Father, remind us all that no matter what we've done, You can still use us. I pray for each reader. Remind her that though she may be broken, You still want to use her. In Jesus name, Amen.

The Yes That Would Change the World

 Then Mary said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her. (Luke 1:38, NKJV)

Picture this sceen with me. A young teenaged girl going about her life, and all of a sudden, here comes an angel. This angel brings her the news that she will have a child. How in the world will this happen, she wonders? She's never been with a man in that way. It's not possible. But, we know that what man deems imposible, God says is possible. Mary said yes to the task God had given her. We've just come out of the Christmas season. Really, it's the only time of year when we hear Mary's story. Like Mary, will we begin our year with a resounding "yes" to God? Will we let Him use us in whatever way He sees fit? To others, it may look crazy, but to Him...it's just the thing we need. After all, He uses the most unlikely people to get done what needs to be accomplished. Will we be part of that Master plan as Mary was all those years ago?

Dear Lord, I pray for each of us. Give us the boldness of Mary to answer Your call on our lives. In Jesus Name, Amen.