Giving Into Life

 My adorable son, a toddler of 15 months sat propped on my hip. I dressed him in his cutest little construction boots, brown corduroy pants and a sweater vest to warm his back and chest. When they found him, I wanted him to look like the little angel he was. The little angel I was going to kill, along with my own life.

Postpartum depression was getting the better side of me. Divorce from my husband wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it. I was too scared of what the results could be. Scared to death that my child would be taken from me. Scared to death of life being hell on earth if I would leave my husband. I was tired of taking care of everyone else but myself. I made every excuse in the world to justify my sad and very sick mind. To me it all made sense. End it and you wouldn't hurt anymore. No one would ever hurt my boy if I took him with me in death.

All those thoughts burst in my head as I walked to the garage where my husband stored a van he was repairing. All I had to do was put my baby in his car seat and he and I could die, not alone, together. It would just take turning the ignition switch, start the van and cry myself to sleep as I would allow asphyxiation to choke us into the grave. My baby would never know the difference and my sadness would be gone. Forever.

D.j. was the picture perfect little boy. He has my eyes and his daddy's smile. He was his sister's best friend. This little man was adored by many. Yet, I struggled with him. He struggled with colic. He cried constantly. I wondered if he also cried because I did. I was being lead by the hand by Satan to rip away the life this little guy that he hadn't even lived yet.

As we walked across the cold driveway, I looked into his eyes. What big beautiful brown eyes he had. He just looked at me and grinned. When I could no longer focus on him through the tears in my eyes, I walked determined that what I was going to do would keep him from harm. Keep him from.....everyone.

I put my hand on the door knob of the garage door and froze. I couldn't move. I couldn't turn back and I couldn't go forward. I wanted to get in that door and get things over with. I stopped and fell to the ground. I sat and cried. I felt the Holy Spirit move within me. This enormous amount of love overcame every feeling caused by depression. And in that moment, I could feel God hold me as I held onto my little boy.

“I am so sorry God. Help me!” I cried out. “Help me, I whispered.” God guided me in his arms as I got up from the hard cold ground and gently walked back into my home. I sat slowly in the recliner holding my sweet innocent child against my chest. Tears dampened the top of his head. We rocked and rocked and fell asleep in the peacefulness of the presence of the Lord.

Not everyday was easy after that. But I knew then that I could rely on God to pull me through the depression that consumed me. The Holy Spirit is constant. He is available for me and for you, to help us out of what feels like the bottomless pits of life. He is here for us every minute of every hour of every day.

My son is now twelve. When I look in his eyes, like I did on that day that life was almost stripped from him, I see life. I see a blessing that God gave to me. I see joy. What a gift to feel love. God is gracious. He is giving and He is waiting for all of us to deeply know and accept His  love gift.

Proverbs 12:28 New American Standard 

In the way of righteousness is life, And in its pathway there is no death.

Can we pray?

Heavenly Father, Let us see Your faithfulness even when we are unfaithful to You. When circumstances surround us with pain, Lord, I ask for peace and for heart healing. Thank You God for letting us come to You, to trust and know that you will bring us through it all. Help all those who feel suicidal. Guide them so that they may receive the help that they need. Protect them, Father and let them feel Your love. Provide all their needs, Lord and ease the pain they feel. Give them hope in You and hope in healing. Bless each one Your treasured children.

In the precious name of Jesus, Amen

(Please see information after this song. )

If You are Suicidal...

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If you or someone you know is in immediate danger
because of thoughts of suicide

Please call 911 now

There is help for you. Stay on the phone with the operator and wait for help to arrive. Do not hesitate to call. Your life is extremely valuable, and people care about you. Please reach out for help. Never act on your thoughts of suicide. Never.

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If you are not in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide, but need someone to talk with about your suicidal feelings, please do not hesitate to call one of the following national suicide prevention lines:

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

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 Guest blogger Mary Edwards is a speaker and writer. Her own experiences lead her to focus her speaking and writing on child sexual abuse education, prevention and healing. She founded Be A Voice 4 kids in the spring of 2014. She is a 2013 graduate of Christian Communicators. Mary is a facilitator for Stewards of Children training through Darkness to Light. Visit Mary at www.writeblessings.com or email her at  wordsbyLOU@yahoo.com.

The God of Second Chances

Our Great God is still in the business of second chances and happy endings. He rebuilds shattered lives and restores all for His Glory.

I have experienced God pulling me through many trials in my lifetime. As a child, I lived in a dysfunctional family of divorce and alcoholism which drug me through too many types of abuses; physical, mental, neglect and sexual abuse. Shattered personal crises happened and unfortunately much of it carried on into my adulthood. Those challenges led me to interfere with God's plans and brought unnecessary suffering into my life. Depression, anxiety, relationship issues, mental challenges and low self esteem.

 

I refused to wait on God and walked away without obedience to Him. I had put no thought into having a real relationship with the Lord. I took life by the reigns and left the blessings He had for me far behind.

I have failed and each time, many numerous times, God prepared me for the next battle. I know what the taste of disappointment tastes like.  Yet, I have learned what second chances are over and over and over again. It meant a whole new start and a new life. A chance to make my life better and to make my life for Him matter. A second chance to make things right out of things that have gone wrong .

God turns things all around for His Glory. It did not matter how shattered, battered or torn my life had been, my Father God never once turned His back on me. He won't ever reject you. Trust in Him... that His second chance He  desires to give you is all part of His plan. He is working things out, by His divine process so that you will give praise and see the Glory in Him.

It doesn't matter what your past is, or what you are dealing with right this very moment. It doesn't matter where you are or where you have been, You can rise above it with the chance God has prepared  to give you. God will use the experiences you face to prepare you for what He wants to do in your life.

God took every excuse I had for turning away from Him and turned it into a victory, an overcoming and,to my surprise, a ministry. He turned my “been there, done that” moments around with many second chances.

When I feel alone, I need to remember that I am alone to be with God. To be able to request those, "Lord, please give me one more chance" requests. I will have to put my faith in God and realize that what matters most is my relationship with Him.

God is ready to meet you at your loneliest, at your lowest, when trials come to you, When you need another chance. He is always closer than you think and prepared with His perfect plan. God is always reaching out to people like you and me, people who need His touch again.

Will you say "yes" today to the God of second chances?

Psalm 30:2 (NIV)

Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.

 I invite you to listen to a song that touched my heart,

 Forgive Me Lord

http://youtu.be/QOcgZ4Dvt6s

Mary Edwards, Guest Blogger

Change the Victory Chant

No child needs to be disciplined by having a gun held to their head. Having to sit in the ditch next to a highway is not a safe place for time out as your mother gets through a hangover. Lit cigarettes should never be used on the bare skin of anyone for punishment. Ever hear of a parent heating a belt buckle to sear their child?  Subjecting a little girl to the hands of men just so that the parent can play with the same man a little while longer is disgusting. How can a mom ignore the fact that their little girl is being violated by men and walk away...even into the same man's bedroom seems so unforgivable. It all seems so unforgivable.

I turned my back with my arms closed and rejected all possibility of regaining respect for parents, men, authority, myself and God. Satan doesn’t care how we react to the sinfulness of any abuse including sexual abuse . . . as long as we don’t turn TO Jesus. I did exactly what Satan wanted. As an adult I continued to find my value in bedrooms. I drank. I accepted abuse in my marriage. I became mutilated by self and by others. Self esteem was low and suicide planning kicked in over time.

The enemy knows when we find our identity, security, and dignity in Christ, we can live in victory.

Victory? What was that? For all I could see, Satan had held me in his hands and was dancing the victory chant over me. I had my part in this. When things were out of my control, it was one thing...but what about the other part, when the choice was mine? I had to make a choice.

I sobbed in my pillow when I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror any longer. My life was ugly and so was the reflection that I wanted to spit on. I was tired of being hurt, mad, sad, disgusted, ashamed, hurt and angry at myself and God.

My everyday life had to change. I crashed to the floor and cried out to God. I purposely had to let God handle all my emotions. I had to stop running from Him in anger but toward Him. The intent of the evil one was to be against me and to create distance between me and God. My intent was to return to Him and let God embrace my hurting soul.

Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I am healing from the past and live with peace and joy in the present. I continuously pray that God will help me find the way to set boundaries in my thinking, letting go of the past, forgiving myself and others and move forward in peace through Him. '

Daily progress is being made. Each day I am filled with His Spirit. Ugly is being replaced by the beauty of forgiveness. I know God is holding my hand and healing that inner child. The adult sees through God's eyes now and Satan turns his head. There is no room for him where Jesus is.

Healing came when I made a deliberate willing choice to put away things of the past and look forward to the now and the future in Him. I accepted in my heart that Jesus knows each pain I went through. He took it to the cross. He is aware of my feelings. He is aware of my growth. Papa God shares with me every good promise of healing and victory in Him.

I no longer have to hold onto the pains of this world but I embrace the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Are you hurting? Are you absorbed in things of the world. Is the child in you feeling rejected and holding onto bitter hurt? You no longer have to stay in Satan's abuse. Let me encourage you to turn away from what Satan chants and sing victory in Jesus. No need to  keep feeling trapped and  empty when you can be free and filled in Him.
      

 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10, NIV)

Mary Edwards is a writer, speaker and photographer. She is a member of the Encourager's Christian Writer Group and a 2013 graduate of Christian Communicators. Mary owns Photo's By M.E. Where she combines both her writing and her love for photography. You can find submissions of her blog at www.writeblessings.blogspot.com and contact her at: wordsbyLOU@yahoo.com